I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
