I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
