i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
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