that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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