I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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