Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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