I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
