I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
