My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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