margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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