i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
