I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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