Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
