If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
