and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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