I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He has the fingertips of a God
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