My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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