The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
