I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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