He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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