why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
