The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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