does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
