Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
