I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
