I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
