I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
