Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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