Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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