If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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