he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
