My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
