i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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