Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
