Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
