she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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