4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
