I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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