I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
This couple is walking their pig around campus
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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