I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
