i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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