dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
