Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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