he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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