there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
