I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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