I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
