i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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