i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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