I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
